


Without you

by Iconoclast



Series: Cute boys gone wild [3]
Category: Death Note & Related Fandoms, Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Amsterdam, Balkan Boys, Blasphemy, Break Up, Childhood Friends, Childhood Memories, First Love, Hacking, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, M/M, Memories, Missing Mello, Moving On, Pining, Religion, Sex Drugs Hard Bass, Underage Drinking, Underage Drug Use, Wammy House, mentioned Mihael Keehl
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-16
Updated: 2018-08-16
Packaged: 2019-06-19 10:18:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15507909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iconoclast/pseuds/Iconoclast
Summary: Matt had spent the past three years looking for Mello, he hadn't heard from him since he left Wammy's. The hacker had tried everything to move on, but can't stop himself from searching his ex partner, asking himself if he's still alive. But the blonde vanished without a trace, and Matt isn't sure he ever loved him.The gamer is losing all hope and decides to finally turn the page, but then he finds something in his mail that will change his life forever.Written for MattxMello weekDay 1: Memories(I'm not sure if to tag this T or M?)





	Without you

**Author's Note:**

> A pill to make you numb  
> A pill to make you dumb  
> A pill to make you anybody else  
> But all the drugs in this world  
> Won't save [you] from [your]self
> 
> Marilyn Manson - Coma White  
> https://youtu.be/QQPJYnr48yU

 

 

* * *

 

 

**24 December 2007, Amsterdam**

 

The ginger was staring at the screen of his laptop, loud hardbass music was beating from the speakers. Again he had looked for _him_ but he had disappeared leaving no trace. Matt wondered why he was still looking for him, it was obvious that he didn’t want to be found, at least not by him.

 _‘I’ll turn eighteen in a little over a month... you promised me to come back and take me with you... but I haven’t heard anything from you.’_ Matt laced a cigarette with weed and lit it up. _‘Probably you moved on... I’m actually pretty sure you did. Probably you forgot… or maybe you don't care anymore.’_

Mello had always been the type of guy that needed someone who adored him. His inferiority complex couldn’t deal with loneliness. Matt knew him well, way too well. He wondered how much Mello had changed over the past three years. Matt even wondered if he was still alive. He thought briefly about it and shook his head while taking a deep drag from the cigarette. _‘I’d know if you died...’_ He touched the small M carved in the skin of his chest, right above his heart. Mello had the same on his left arm, because he thought it would be blasphemous to do it on his heart.

Mello and his religious stuff. Matt rolled his eyes and directed his attention to the TIM-600, trying to use it to bypass some systems. Just for fun, like when he and Rio hacked the NASA server some months ago. Matt did not really care about religion or stuff like that; his head was made of numbers, codes and formulae. Matt’s mind was rational, logical, but he knew that nothing could ever explain the feelings he had and was still having for the blonde, the deep connection they had shared since they talked the first time, exactly five years ago.

Matt was not a very sentimental person, his analytical mind was always busy figuring out new systems to hack, new programs to write or new games to mod. He basically lived in front of his computers, either at school or at home for work or for mere fun. Most nights he slept in with the laptop on his belly, he used to game and smoke in bed till he collapsed in dreamless slumbers. Matt only stepped out of his comfort zone to go to his Krav Maga training thrice at week. True, he was extremely lazy but he also needed some time off from his routine, and combat sports was helping him to free his mind. It was like he reset every time, and it was good to release tension.

No, Matt was not the guy to overthink or to be sentimental, but he couldn’t deny that the blonde had left a deep wound in his heart, one that was still bleeding. There were days when it was better, days when it was worse. And days like today, when the rain seemed to cry for him; because on those days he couldn’t stop thinking at his blonde angel.

 _‘It happened exactly five years ago when we talked for the first time, when you took care of me... you always defended me until I was strong enough to defend myself.’_ Matt extinguished the laced cigarette and lit up a regular one. Smoking was a bad habit but it was Matt’s safety valve. He liked the scratching flavour of Marlboro reds in his throat, but he also smoked because he was bored. _‘Where are you now? Why have you left? Why did you tell me you love me just to leave me and disappear from my life...?’_

Matt couldn’t help himself but suspected the blonde had just used him as long as he pleased. He was good at deceiving people, so most probably he also did it with Matt. What if Mello just used him as his pet as long as he was at Wammy’s? _‘You’ve never dealt well with solitude, didn’t you?’_ The blonde had surely found someone else to share his life with, someone to use and to play with as long as they suit his purposes. Mello was way too pretty to go unnoticed. Sure, he had a nasty character and a bad mouth but he also had excellent social skills, his angel-face fooled everyone. Everyone except Matt. Or probably him above all.

 _‘I wonder if you still have that wizard Howl haircut... or maybe you let your hair grow long.’_ For sure he hadn’t cut it; the blonde was way too vain about his mane, and Matt had always been madly fond of his blonde soft hair.

Matt walked to the kitchen and came back with a full glass of Laphroaig; the flat was empty and dark. One of his roommates was visiting his parents and the other was probably at work. Or doing something stupid.

The hacker checked the codes on the TIM-600, he wasn’t sure if what he had in mind was going to work. But it was worth a try. Everything was worth a try. He took his laptop and lay down on the mattress on the floor. _‘And I? Did I move on?’_ Matt sighed while taking a huge swig of whisky, checking again the online users he suspected to be Mello. But probably he was on the wrong trail, again.

He detected a certain _m-Queen_ , he had followed their traces for quite a while but most probably it was just a spoiled mafia wife in Los Angeles. Their conversations were mostly about clothes, shoes and perfumes, or other stuff Matt didn’t care about. _‘LA Mello? Nah... or maybe yes, who knows. You’ve always been unpredictable...’_ This wasn’t him anyway. Matt checked other users and lit up another cigarette. The redhead couldn’t tell himself why he was so vehemently seeking out the half-Croat. There was a reason why it was 1.114 days the blonde had disappeared without trace. If he wanted to be found, it wouldn’t have been so hard. Matt knew that Mello could find him, if he wanted. His user id was so idiotically stupid, so evident that only Mello could get it that it was him for real.

The first and only time Matt had heard from Mello was on Christmas 2005, when a small envelope arrived for him at Wammy’s House. It contained the data to a saving account on Matt's name, 50.000£ had been transferred there just one day earlier. But apart that, there was no letter, no note, nothing, not even a return address. Matt knew it was Mello, he was sure about it. _‘Probably you just did it to cleanse your conscience, right? Like when you pay the fucking priest to absolve your stupid sins…’_ Matt hated it, Mello always did that. _‘Or maybe not, with all the blowjobs you’ve given to me... Mello... the way you think has always been twisted...’_ Matt didn’t care though and used the money to travel to Israel. He went to a Goa party in Tel Aviv and met his childhood friend there, so he decided to move to Amsterdam and share a small flat with her and her current roommate. Matt entered the IT institute in Amsterdam and left England once for all; there was nothing at Wammy’s that interested him, not anymore. Taking Mello’s place as L’s second successor was not what he wanted. He never wanted to stay at Wammy’s anyway, not without Mello.

Matt had not big plans for his future, he just wanted to study IT, hacking and maybe become a video game or software programmer. Or probably something else, he didn’t know, he hadn’t really ambitions for himself.

 

Matt had tried to move on; he travelled, he drank, did lots of drugs; he sometimes went to raves, slept with random people, men or women didn’t matter. Nobody could possess him like the blonde has done; he didn’t trust anyone. But nothing helped, nobody could blow his mind, nor could any drug numb him long enough to make him forget his angel. It helped him in other ways, at least for a couple of hours he could pretend to be with someone else and to be somewhere else. Or he simply hooked up a random blonde and pretended it was _him_.

 

Matt looked at the time on the laptop screen, it was almost 11 PM. He hit the freeze button and rummaged through the chaos in the drawer of his cracked nightstand, finally finding some blotters of coloured paper. He put one under his tongue and waited until it dissolved, then he walked in the kitchen and drank another glass of whisky before throwing on his outerwear. He put a cigarette between his teeth and locked the entrance door, walked down the stairs and stepped out in the cold rainy night.

 

\---

 

The ginger strolled through the streets, inhaled the odour of rain on asphalt and abandoned to his thoughts. Amsterdam was a strange place. Matt always thought it had no real identity, there was a bit of Paris, a bit of London, but nothing really authentic. _‘But ain’t I like that, too?’_ Half Slavic, half Jewish, then forced to live in England and now he was staying in Amsterdam just because of his friends were there but not because it was _his_ choice. The young Serb felt he belonged nowhere. Matt thought back at the time when he lived at the Jewish orphanage in Belgrade. He somewhat liked it there, he wasn’t forced to interact with the other kids, and he had finally found out what he liked to do. He was not made to develop hardware like his father, but the little math genius was more drawn to the more complicated, riddling world of software. Matt was indeed a programming prodigy there, at the age of twelve he had developed a simple spy program and won a technology award from the Serbian government, there was even a newspaper article about him. The _Serbian technology promise_ , they called him, or _Serbia’s future Bill Gates_. Then, a few months later Matt was ripped away from his little den and thrown into a new reality, an old Englishman brought him to an orphanage for gifted children. He didn’t like it there, it was all competition and no personality, he was just a number. But Matt was no number, he _used_ numbers. The kids there were horrible. Some were sociophobics like his former roommate N, others were really nasty and bullied him for his heritage, they called him Yugo boy or Jewish pig. Some other ones ignored him completely, and maybe that was the best thing. And then, there was _him_. The blonde angel. Matt shook his head and tried to ban him from his thoughts. He dropped the cigarette bud on the floor before entering the huge building.

 

_‘As I asked you why and you held on me and smiled so soft… from that moment I knew, I love you...’_

Matt didn’t know the reason why he went to church for Christmas eve, but he did it since Mello left Wammy’s. The mass was already over, but it was better that way. He wasn’t there to pray anyway. Matt stepped slowly through the central nave, smelled incense and burning candle wax. He liked the scent, it reminded him of Mello. The ginger sat on a bench in the fourth or fifth row, and stared at the enormous crucifix above the altar, he felt the drug already altering his mind. _‘Yehoshua...’_ Matt still wondered how someone intelligent like Mello could worship a dead man on a cross. _‘You’ve always had a vivid imagination, isn’t it, Mel? They say sensitive persons are like that...’_ The lights were distorting reality in front of Matt’s eyes but he kept gazing at the crucifix. _‘You once told me Yehoshua and the Archangel are the same, perhaps because you hope God himself is watching over you? What nonsense...’_ Matt sighed, Mello had always had a quite eclectic way to live and believe in his Catholic religion. _‘Or probably you are an angel, Mihael... but a fallen one.’_

The man on the cross was changing his face, Matt blinked a couple of times and recognized the blonde with icy eyes, he looked at him, innocent and pure. _‘You’ve never been neither one nor the other... fuck I’m tripping so bad...’_ Matt hid his mouth in the scarf and giggled. _‘Like when we had our first fuck... wasn’t it like that, Mel? In Lourdes, next to Saint Michael’s Gate, during the Assumption mass because you thought god would strike us down if we were sinning. But it didn’t happen and you took it for a blessing... you were so gentle and caring, you gave me everything.’_ Matt remembered with a hint of nostalgia, still looking and mentally talking to the crucified blonde; a crown of thorns was adorning his head and tears of blood ran from his blue eyes. _‘Or all the times you went to Saint Peter’s church to confess to a catholic priest, and I blew you afterwards... or we fucked in the confession box... perhaps I mistook your carnal lust for love, or maybe not, who knows.’_ Matt thought back at all the times they had sex in random places at the orphanage because Roger found out about them. The teachers tried to keep them in check, but Mello and Matt were too reckless to care about. Matt often snuck in Mello’s room at night and spent the whole night there until one hour before the official alarm rang. They were both willing to try new places all the time. _‘Like when we fucked in Near’s bed while he was studying in the library, or in Roger’s office at night... or in the cafeteria, in the shower, on the roof...’_ Matt almost laughed at the thought how many times they accidentally hurt themselves while doing it, but they were just horny wild teenagers. The ginger sat back and let his mind flow free, felt how the expanded reality was slowly pushing bad feelings away. _‘If you were here I’d fuck you right on the altar, but I wouldn’t be nice, no...’_ Matt nibbled at his lower lip at the thought, it was his unfulfilled dream. The only time he was in Mello, the blonde was riding him and it happened the night before he left. _‘Mello you’ve always been a selfish bitch… you took anything you wanted… but I was left behind... ’_ Matt slipped his hand in his skinny jeans and grabbed his half erected cock. He stroked himself hard, imagined the blonde at his mercy, in front of his lord and saviour.

 

His phone rang loud, at first Matt thought it was his altered mind, but he realized it was real, and unfortunately he had to stop his ministrations. _‘Holy fucking shit...’_ He fumbled in his pocket to find his Nokia N95 and took the call. “Yah?” He yelled through the half empty church, his voice echoing loud.

<Maaaaaatttiiiiieeeeeee!> His roommate’s voice squeaked loud in the speaker. <Where are yooou?>

“Next Centraal.” Matt put a cigarette in his mouth and lit it up. “What’s up, Joy-boy?”

<I’m bored. Rio’s in R’dam at his parents, let’s go party, just us two.>

“Great. Where?”

<Rave at De Wallen.>

“Sure. I wasn’t in the mood to stay alone anyway tonight.”

A man was walking towards Matt, pointing his finger at him and scolding him in Dutch; the ginger pretended to not understand. “You can’t smoke in the church, sir! And neither talk on the phone!” The church warden invited him to leave.

<Great! Ten mins and I’m at Centraal.>

Matt hung up and gave the church warden the middle finger, before zipping up his pants and leaving.

 

 

“You fucking idiot!” Matt yelled at his annoying roommate who jumped at his back.

“What were you doing? Gazing at the stars?” The turquoise-haired sheboy lit up a joint.

“I was just wondering...” Matt snatched the joint from her hand. “When you’re in space, do you feel different?”

“What the fuck should I know? I’m not Einstein.” The sheboy looked in Matt’s eyes. “Mattie are you tripping?” The ginger chuckled and smoked without giving an answer. “Don’t tell me you were thinking at _him_ again?” Matt shrugged and walked towards the Red Light District.

“I just want to party and have fun tonight. Lots of fun.”

“Gotta right thing for ya, baby.” The sheboy giggled impish and threw a small sachet at Matt. “Candy flippy flippy for Christmas.”

“Ay, Escobar, let’s have fun. It’s shitmas after all.” Matt took a pill from the sachet and put it on his tongue. Alcohol, drugs and dancing would help him to pretend to feel good. At least for one night.

 

The rave was overcrowded and Matt was glad he had drugs in his system that altered the perception of his surroundings. He drank a lot and that helped him to lose all inhibitions he had. He thought Mello should go to hell, and told himself he should stop thinking at him. The blonde didn’t want him anymore, for damn sure; he just had to let him go once for all. The ginger danced a while with a blonde, was they male or female? He didn’t know and didn’t care. They locked themselves in the toilet and Matt let the blonde blow him, then he left the room without saying anything and moved to the other dancefloor. He danced with his roommate, he was actually having fun and his tension was already released; then his attention got caught by a pretty blonde male with long hair and fair blue eyes. _‘Holyfuckingshit!’_ His mouth dropped open and the cigarette fell on the ground. The sheboy followed his glance and noticed his prey, then she shoved him in the blonde’s direction.

 

Matt pushed open the door that led to his room, kicked it close with his foot. He heard the sheboy giggling and yelling loud in the living room but didn’t pay her attention anymore. He was kissing the blonde while they ripped hastily their clothes from each other’s body. They both landed on Matt’s mattress on the ground, the ginger on top of the blonde. He kissed his neck, smelled at his skin, felt his hands softly tracing his body, he heard hardbass still playing in the background.

“Mmmmh...” Matt purred in the blonde’s ear, something was so very familiar. Long hair, pale skin, fair eyes, of course it was. His hand felt blindly through the mess in the drawer of his nightstand until he found the small tube. Matt coated himself sloppily before entering the other without wasting time on foreplay; he threw his leg around his waist and lowered his head. “You feel so good, Mells...” Matt licked his neck and smelled his soft hair.

“My name is Arés.” The blonde groaned while Matt was fucking him, but the ginger didn’t listen to him; his mind was on another sphere with someone else.

 

\---

 

_As I asked you why, your lips remained sealed. I believed in us, in our dreams. I loved you, but you wanted to be free. You took anything you wanted and I was left behind. I was lost, didn’t know where to go. My world was destroyed, my dreams shattered… Was our love a lie? I asked you why… and that day I thought I’d die..._

Matt pretended to be asleep as the blonde awoke and left. He heard his roommate making breakfast in the kitchen, checked time and noticed that it was 6 PM. “Jebi ga.” He cussed but then he tried to remember when he went to sleep, it was most probably past noon. Matt dragged himself to the kitchen, his hangover was already killing him.

“Wanna coffee?”

Matt lit up a cigarette and nodded. “Joy-boy don’t scream, my head’s spinning.” He sat on the couch and palmed his forehead. “Ta kurva...” The sheboy served him a huge cup of coffee and sat on the ground in front of him. “Merry shitmas little bitch.”

“How was your night sweetie?”

“Who the fuck can remember?” Matt groaned and emptied half of the cup.

The sheboy was nibbling on a hard-boiled egg and stared at him, Matt felt uneasy. Had he hickeys or something? “I wanted to tell you something but I forgot.”

“Then shut the fuck up.” The ginger took a deep drag from the cigarette before extinguishing it in the ashtray.

The sheboy jumped up and rushed to the hall, she came back with a huge envelope and handed it to Matt before plopping on the couch next to him. “I think it arrived yesterday. It looks important.”

Matt frowned and opened the envelope. He found a false passport, a green card, his registration at the IT institute somewhere on the East Coast of the US and last but not least a one-way plane ticket to New York City. The ticket was time-stamped and he had to leave Amsterdam on 1 February.

Matt couldn’t believe his eyes, but it took him just a few seconds to understand who sent this stuff to him.

“Mattie, what’s up?” The ginger met her hazel eyes, he wasn’t sure if he was still on a trip or if this was real. The sheboy took the ticket from his hands, her mouth dropped open and looked at him again. “Matt... is it...?”

“I’ll move out, Joy...”

_You promised me to come back and take me with you…_

 

**Author's Note:**

> This work was inspired by this beautiful song
> 
> I don't know where you are  
> I don't know why you left  
> Please come back to me  
> I'd love to have you near
> 
> I do not where you are  
> I do not know why you left  
> But I do know  
> That I miss you
> 
> Where are you now  
> What have you been up to  
> Do you remember me  
> Don't you know  
> That I miss you?
> 
> Without you, storms break my concrete  
> Without you, things will never be the same again
> 
> Code 64 - Without you  
> https://youtu.be/CHdsRRwiN3k
> 
> \---
> 
> TIM-600 is Serbian hardware (developed 1987-88)  
> Matt's online id is mj_gopnik 
> 
>  
> 
> Artwork is by me.


End file.
